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June 17, 2010

Arc of Hadrian, Athens

Arc of Hadrian, Athens
Tool: water color

Diary in Athens, 2006

We explore the world like blind man wanna know the shape of snow, once stretch out fingers, it straws.
I tried to convince myself, that it was an imaginary journey. Ink-blue sky and ivory-white pillar, the world was a dream, like thousands of times of sudden, it was still far far away to the end of sky.
But to have is to lose.
But I certainly felt the moment when touching the rough surface and dry air. There was no way to block memory which was like flowing sand. I had to tell, it could not be found back anymore.
My Athens never returns. It's me who have broken the glass, set it for free, for somewhere never picks back.
Now I understand why Van Gogh committed suicide in his happiest time of life.
I have to continue, unreachable indeed never meant what I thought.
I can, but it's not there anymore.
比如佛罗伦萨,一条河一片橘红色屋顶,脑子里一片燃烧的幻觉,却只是在城墙上漫不经心地走过, 平静呼吸仿佛有橄榄油味道的空气,然后搭上火车再也没有回头。在离开它几个月后,猛然失落得疯狂,诅咒得不到那片梦中的景色我必定死去,只一眼,痛苦就可 以结束。可我还继续活着,只是午夜梦回看到,它在那颗南边的星下那么遥远,冷幽幽的蓝将想念焚烧,万籁俱寂将狂热淹没,一口洪水灌到嘴边,泪流满面。
当我意识 到自己开始想念它时,两个影子终于慢慢开始重叠,缓慢而优雅而悲哀,仿佛碎裂的多利克石柱碾着我的血肉,被撕扯成无法辨认的狂热,散落一地。我于是在极度 落寞中开始怀疑它的存在,如此美好的灵魂怎么可能曾经近在咫尺,我盯着玻璃瓶中的海水出神,带着仇恨的表情要掀开那片透明后面的深蓝,仿佛就有一片汪洋静 静停泊在另一边,虚幻到眼泪都为之软弱,悲恸到没有一丝叹息。
我不敢回想某个瞬间,天空的蓝,荀麻的白,都化开成一片雾气升腾起来,浓烈得无法睁 眼,在铁轨尽头蓦然消散;我或许回过头,或许并没回头,或许一切都不为真。
原来只有时间明白这个字,在我都 未曾察觉的那一刻,就重重地砍了一刀。

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